Voting Anxiety

There was a rise in power. There was a rise in leadership. There was a rise in governance. The advertisements, propaganda, posters wrapped around my mind, spiralling to the forefront of my peripheral knowledge. I was not interested in politics. I never was. But at the legal voting age, I was a part of the community – a part of society. It was like an asteroid whacked me wide awake. I was eighteen. I was a legal adult.

Staring at the ballot paper, I was horrified. I was not prepared for this. I was not ready for this. I was too young for this. My surroundings, full of adults, were now a part of my world. I would have to get used to this.

What was I going to do?

The chill in the air was a disturbing comfort.  I didn’t mind the cold weather but today was not an ordinary day. It was election day.

Staring around me, I felt a wash of fear. What if I messed this up? What if I destroyed our country? What if I ruined our country? The pressure of the vote was overpowering, overwhelming. I barely felt my knees, legs, and hands. I was succumbed to guilt – the guilt of voting for the wrong party.

Maybe the whole country wouldn’t spiral into an ordeal if I chose the favoured party?

But what happened when it did? What would have happened if my vote created anarchy? What would have happened if I caused a civil war?

Honestly, none of this would have mattered. People voted for Labor as well. I would not have been the only one. But what if I was? What if I was the only one who voted for Labor? Would that have been bad? Would that have caused controversy? Would that have caused a barrier?

The random noises of people entering and leaving flooded my ears, my heart pounding faster than usual. It was perplexing. I couldn’t believe what was happening and I didn’t know what to do. It was like a whole new experience, and I was not ready for it. I was not ready at all.

I could not remember if I had learnt this or not. Sometimes I wonder if I gained this knowledge, maybe then I would have been ready? But I was not.

* * *

Like curiosity killed the cat, my curiosity was killing me. I needed to know if I had caused the first civil war of our country. I needed to know. Tears pricking at my eyes, I was not ready for the announcement of the results. I was not ready to find out the fate of the country. I was never ready to be an adult.

“The election has concluded. Thank you to all the participants for voting. Our Party in government is the Coalition.”

There was no other announcement.

Like a tide rolling in and out, I was overcome with relief and peace. Nothing happened, nothing occurred, nothing collided.  The country was still in order. Even with the Coalition in power, it was better than a civil war. Maybe my values align with Labor’s but that should not have divided our country.

We all had choices. We all had a say. We were all equal.